“Thank you Sheriff Robal for the opportunity to share with this community today. I treasure that Garrett is honored on this beautiful memorial, alongside many others who have sacrificed. I know their friends, co-workers and family members are here today. Being able to gather with others in this community who “get it” and who enduringly show such care, has certainly been a comfort. I was considering what I might share with you all today. And before I had a chance to really overthink it- it became very clear to me what I needed to discuss here. Recently, I was pulled over, here locally, for speeding. Now, I do love the shining lights of a law enforcement vehicle. But, when they are shining through my rearview mirror, and I realize I’ve been speeding, those lights have an entirely different, and unpleasant effect. I was immediately hoping for mercy. I will confess to you all here, that I actually thought, “Is there someone I can talk to who can get me out of this?” And look, here I am talking to all of you- connected law enforcement families, city leaders, law makers, prosecutors. Certainly this question has been put to you before in your roles! We all want justice- until it relates to us- then we want mercy.
Fortunately, for all of us, to help with the uncomfortable direction my comments are going, my late husband Garrett was, what he affectionately called- “a prepper.” He liked to prepare ahead. He would think through various scenarios that may, or may not, happen. He might gather supplies for them. He would train for them. He would sometimes talk the family through them. In this case, it was the week that Garrett had his badge pinned on at UCCS, Garrett told me, “Rachel,” (because he knew how I drive) “if you get yourself into a bind- you get a parking ticket, or a speeding ticket- DO NOT use My NAME to try to get out of it. You stand for yourself.” Garrett knew that the uniform represents good authority. I love that Garrett had integrity like that. He didn’t want for there to be 2 levels of justice: one for friends and family and another for everyone else out there, or the “bad guys.” So you can all rest assured; I paid my speeding ticket.
For the last 10 years, I have not said much publicly about losing Garrett. There are multiple reasons for that: I was, of course, deeply grieving. I had the blessing of focusing on raising our children. And there was a prosecution process going on. I had been warned that speaking about the case could interfere with that process. I was very much waiting for justice. The case is now resolved and was recently dismissed. I deeply appreciate all that was done to care for that case and to protect the community while my family focused on healing.
When people hear of a line of duty loss like ours, I know they wonder how the family is coping and how they navigated grief. This has been a good community to be in when doing something so hard. We’ve often been gently supported and cared for. Just like with this memorial was designed before we knew grief, we have frequently benefitted from things we wouldn’t have even know to think of, or ask for.
Along the way, I’ve learned many coping “tips and tricks.” I’ve tried painting (badly) and running (slowly), I’ve gone to counseling and to coffee with friends, I’ve leaned on spirituality and even on some prescription pharmaceuticals. There is one coping hack that I try to keep more private though. I only bring it up here with you all in this audience, because I suspect you all may be able to relate more than most. There are many hard things you have had to see and experience in all the roles that bring you here today. At my house, we call this more private coping mechanism “dark humor.” I ask the kids to keep it at home, because it can be edgy, and it is so often misunderstood. My daughter has become somewhat of an expert on it, pushing its limits and boundaries. Sometimes, you go through something hard- you may cry about it, but sometimes, it keeps being hard and what comes out instead, is the beautiful sound of laughter.
As an example, coming to terms with the fact that Garrett passed away was a significant task for my brain. There was shock. So, having to explain that reality to someone else, was beyond hard. When I say that Garrett is my “late husband,” it sounds like it just rolls off my tongue. But I had no plans to be a widow; I certainly didn’t want to be a single mom. So when I say he’s my late husband sure, it acknowledges that Garrett passed away, but, on the inside, I’m teasing myself, and also teasing Garrett a little bit. You see, Garrett was often late here, when he was living.
Sometimes, he would be late coming home from work. But more often than that, he was late going to work from our house. I’m sure he was tempted to speed sometimes himself. Garrett was ALWAYS late, for his dental cleaning appointments, if he showed up at all, because that was his least favorite task. Garrett was even late sometimes going to church on Sunday. That may not sound too bad; church can be a place of grace. But in addition to being a police officer at UCCS, Garrett was also a part time pastor at a local church. Showing up late for church is an entirely different level of awkward when you are the speaking pastor! In all seriousness, whenever Garrett was really needed, and in the end, when it really mattered, Garrett showed up right on time.
Beyond sharing with you the conversation about my driving misdeeds, I’ll share a second conversation that Garrett and I had. It runs much deeper. It came about as Garrett was thinking about going into law enforcement and it centers on the safety concerns that are only natural to consider. Many of you here serve in professions that have more risk than the usual person’s job, where the greatest risk to them is tough office politics. Whether you are a public official or in law enforcement, maybe you’ve had some similar conversation in your own mind, or with your family. Garrett reassured me: He told me that he knew that the most important part of his day, every day, was to come home to me and to the kids. I knew that Garrett would train as if that were true. He would gather the tools he needed for his job as if that were true, and he would make decisions on the job as if that were true. I lived in the confidence that Garrett would, in fact, come home. Until the day that he didn’t. Instead, he went home to be with the Lord.
Now, I’ve just said something religious sounding- that Garrett went home to be with the Lord. I am allowed to say things like that, because, I am a late pastor’s wife. And now you now exactly what I mean when I say I am a late pastor’s wife. While I’m on this subject, I’d like to step a little further into something semi-religious, (I do mean semi-religious) it’s an imagining I’ve had. I respect that we all come from different perspectives. But we are all spiritual people. I want to share a silly imagining I have had as I’ve coped with things.
I imagine on the day that Garrett passed away, he showed up to the pearly gates, whatever those pearly gates look like. I imagine that Garrett was speeding to get there, because it is such a perfect place. I’m pretty sure he was speeding to get there, because he showed up way too young in my opinion. Now in a perfect place of justice, Garrett would have been pulled over for speeding. They would have asked for his license, registration and whatever kind of, like, fire insurance you need up there. But contrary to what Garrett told me to do in such a situation- to stand for myself- Garrett would have known that he couldn’t stand for himself in this perfect place. You see, Garrett was a good man. He was a wonderful husband. He was an amazing father. But, I can testify to you as his wife, he was, by no means, perfect! So, on top of all the other documents he handed over, Garrett would have placed a business card; not his own business card, someone else’s card. On the back, it says something simple, 3 words, “He’s with me.” It’s the ultimate all access pass. While Garrett strove to uphold justice here in law enforcement, in this case, he needed mercy. I live in the confidence that Garrett is in a perfect place, because, in the end, he didn’t have to stand for himself.
On that same day, in spite of this truth, I will be honest, the kids and I, our family and friends were distinctly not in a better place. We were facing a new reality, and grieving deeply. There comes a dark hour in grief for which tips and tricks just won’t cut it. In that darkest of hours, logic can be leveled; even strong faith can be questioned. That dark hour would often come for me around 2 or 3 a.m.; I was having trouble sleeping. I felt more lonely than I knew was possible to feel. I wondered if I was going to make it. In that hour, it’s possible to wonder further: “do I want to make it?” A religious platitude wasn’t going to cut it. This darkness was something like “the valley of the shadow of death.” But for pivotal moments like these, I have something like a business card, on the back- 3 words, simple enough for even a grief-weary brain: “She’s with me.” If I’ve looked strong getting through those dark hours, if I stand strong before you now, I have not stood on my own strength. Grief has pointed me to the truth that we weren’t designed for such hard things. It’s appropriate to lament. We were designed for a perfect place, so loss and sadness seem so out of place to us. For about 3 years, I didn’t read much in the Bible. I clung to a single, very short verse: “My God illuminates my darkness.”
Each day, the sun would rise. God himself would bring friends and family and our community around to care for us. Someone would help with carpool, take the kids for ice cream, shovel the deep winter snow, maybe share some dark humor. Others cared for us who built a memorial wall, fought for justice, kept on capturing those who hurt our community. Whatever I have had to walk through, whatever I will walk through next, I do not have to walk alone. I do not have to stand for myself in this life, or in the next.
There is a common old bit of scripture, it starts by saying, “the Lord is my Shepherd.” One of the last lines has 2 assurances. “Surely (like it’s definite) goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” I’m confident Garrett dwells in the house of the Lord, because of the Lord’s mercy. And I’ve experienced goodness and mercy here in my life, even after such hardship. When I haven’t been able stand for myself, goodness has been still tracking me, pursuing me, following me.
As a prepper: Garrett coined a 3-prong saying. Trust in God. Keep your powder dry. Watch your six.
Similarly, in closing, I have 3 thoughts to leave with you:
One- Let the people around you know they are the most important part of your day.
Two- Consider what can give your true and lasting peace?
And finally, maybe don’t be like me, don’t speed here in El Paso County- they seem serious about it.”